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Battle for Earth (Battlefield Earth) - 3d

There is a movie I never heard of (minimally, I swear), there is a week behind with about three hours of sleep a night, a friend who is - and loving puppets prophet treddì - offers movie night, there is a multiplex equipped with the latest technology, spectacular, and a stand where localaccio gorging on burgers and fries. The ingredients are all there, just stir and serve. The result was, decidedly, alienating. I try to account for as much as possible.

Battle for Earth is (brilliantly, as always) translated and distributed in Italian as Battlefield Earth. Vala, I thought that Earth was said in English, you never stop learning. Within room wrapped in utter ignorance about the product that I am going to experiment. We enter the room and there is no mask to provide the precious glasses for viewing three-dimensional (start well), we sit and poor public and indecipherable, making it impossible to predict what kind of film has been finished to meet . Pass the usual trailer 3d, and the show begins. Shocking.

On a planet that is not our (mmm), the film opens with a bucolic scene - if you agree to apply the definition of a species of tapir with its wings fluttering (function: insect) from one another in the number of structures vaguely resembling anemones with wings (function: flowers), is supposed to pollination. The landscape, to be frank, is fairly desert (and LSD, as well), but still understand that it is a happy place. Inhabited not only by the insettazzi and plants (mah) above, two or three other species of animals and plants. Bell'ecosistema Great, congratulations. It turns out that there would also be the fateful intelligent species, in this case personified by a race of strange beasts, a sort of cross between Snorky and surfboards (the definition is not mine, but god sock) - which, guess what, well known to fluctuate. Them, pulling on delicate but effective strokes of the tail (a form of surfing, of course) and floating in the air. They have very large eyes (in my opinion they are all made like marbles, but they deny) and gentle soul. They live in peace with nature. They drive sort of mega kite to move faster - which offers memorable scenes, like the one in which two young shoots of this pesky breed flutter in the company of a kind of whale of heaven. Which, moreover, we are rewarded with several shots, including a complicated details of his sphincter. Wow.

All this comes on the scene a giant spaceship, which obscures the sun and casts an unwarranted panic in the residents of the one, tiny, cities on the planet - the uneducated believe to be coming from the sky. More prosaically, it is humans, who emigrated from our planet as a result of destructive war in search of new living space. And not at all willing to negotiate. A little clever, though, as instead of nuke or otherwise wipe out the natives, passing low-flying with the ship and kidnap them one by one - in order, it seems, to understand how to inhale an atmosphere for us especially unbearable. While carrying out this noble mission of a heroic pilots crashed badly. It is saved from the shoots of the alien race (which he, with touching kindness, apostrophes repeatedly "monster"), concerned not so much to him manzitudine (especially the sexy ears ours) but to convince him to save his father, a prisoner in the last raid human. A trailer is a robot fessacchiotto insettiforme and pedantic (but, deep down, very good). Born respect, friendship, trust and various cocks. He returns home on the ship s mother, with her company (which, however, has a natural mechanical genius, despite belonging to a race back voluntarily - planet you visit, the Romans do). It turns out that the people of pacificissimo Snout malcresciuti was once a warrior and as most of us, first to repent. What instructive. Incidentally, they are more than ready, the wasps out of proportion, to take up arms in order to drive us out - justly - to kick some ass. On the human front, a general and fascist ingrifato the conquest launched his final attack, a giant siringone desioso to plant on the planet and make the atmosphere so worthily peroxide - guarantee victory for the opponent asphyxia. Too bad that the heroic pilot is now conquered by the beautiful and intelligent monsters, and you go and crashed into the last hope of our race in order to save the natives. The pig traitor. But as always there is a but.

The young creature has learned the lesson and the sign on the right and left: it is better to live in peace who massacred each other. By refusing, therefore, bloodstained hands of all people, compromise solution. We build a huge tent that, by virtue of everything inexplicable to the undersigned reviewer, will be able to hold a special dome under oxygen in sufficient quantities to ensure the flourishing of humans. Prosper, oh my God, look at rats in a cage or aviary birds, but so often you have time and are content.

The details escape me, because I wandered between sleep and waking, half vision - indeed, it appeared to be rather difficult to see the movies before the harvest of improbable nonsense that ran on the screen. The thought that they were heavy and subsequent digestion raving private softened everything. But let me think, I forget anything?

Ah, yes. Earth is the name that our, misrepresent light years away from Earth, have given (them speaking English, of course), the planet that wanted to parasitize. That of the Snorks, yes. Beautiful translation. Too bad the film.

INFORMATION

Battle for Earth - 3D

In a sentence: "designs are also made, but these beasts can not watch."
Sconsigliatissimo: who loves the good work in CG: Pixar, Dreamworks, etc.. Or the traditional Disney-style cartoons. Or the Japanese. Well, you get. The others, I tell you to do?
Rating: KKKK (I would not go beyond, I have lost some sleep)

How Much Are Chanel Bags At The Outlet?

S. Valentino blood - 3d

At first: Harmony, a charming town in small town America. Laughing, laughing a Kaiser is bleak place, empty, devoid of motives and interests, which turns everything around a mine, a supermarket and a little money from the motel where infrattarsi with local hookers (more or less professional) - all of classical topoi 'horror, which will be badly used later. In return, the city (yes, in short, more or less) is inhabited by a monotonous undergrowth of idiots, psychopaths and horned (Difficult, honestly, to say which of the three categories prevail, demographically).

In this idyllic setting is triggered the tragedy: a young beggar (masterfully misinterpreted by that Jensen Ackles), as the son of the owner of the cabin, is unexpectedly put to work in a mine. Following his absolute and total stupidity, a group of six miners became involved in an explosion (reason: gas) and buried under the rubble. It will be extracted, but unfortunately, five of the six victims of the disaster have received so much loving pickaxe to the head from the sixth man, the lovable Harry Warden - who has been so restricted oxygen, to be able to get out vivo, although in a coma. One year after the good
Harry wakes up in the hospital, and has not forgotten or not at all metabolized the matter well: indeed, cheerfully massacre (with bare hands? Or had, please, leave the pick among the personal belongings? Mah) Assorted hospital staff, leaving the astonished cops a pout-pourri of dismembered bodies (literally: torso on one side, the other legs, voilà), rib cages ripped, heart extracts, various short delicatessen.

That ardor is not without purpose, clearly, the proud picconate want posted to a party with all the worst of local youth, shrewdly kept the mine above (the creativity of teenagers Indians) to take revenge on the misguided youth responsible for the accident (on behalf of Tom, I know that morivate by the desire to know) etc etc. En passant, variously limbs all those he meets, forcing a generational change is not expected. Unfortunately for Harry - and for you, that you would have saved well over an hour of film - some callow resist, slowing the massacre until the police arrive. I like cops chasing mascheratissimo (looks like a Darth Vader before his time, especially for the heavy breathing barely above it everywhere) killer up & down the mine, the smitragliano of bullets, and finally emerge victorious. Pare.

Ten years later, we carried over to Harmony and, surprise! He has not changed shit! The place is always immersed in the identical, very often blanket of unnecessary misery. Only Tom is gone, having lost a bit 'of peace with Valentine's Day massacre. Returns, the wise guy in order to sell off his father's mine (who knows why, then, with many beautiful memories that we had). Is accepted, as appropriate, as one who brings death (all convinced that Harry Warden is dead but will soon return to pursue the former young, still and always awkward), or as one who wants to rediscover the former side, now wife of the sheriff. In short, a welcome full of affection. Nevertheless, it stops (for sexual purposes, of course), and actually the massacres to take over pickaxe. With them begins the welter of assumptions about who is responsible malvagissimo. First bettors focus on Harry Warden. Yes, that killed ten years earlier. In order to bring down the odds a bunch of old man (former police chief, former head of the mine, etc.) leads the young players at the place where they gave (the elders), with their hands, the burial was picconate Prince of Harmony. Too bad the pit is empty. On the other hand, we learn that he had been buried with the mask and pick. A touch of class, respect for the dead (if it were). Ridiculous scenes abound, and the 3D effects are systematically used in school to say the least. People are being pitted repetitive manner (preference for large skull and ribs), the mysterious killer shortness of breath (halitosis? suspect yes) announces the time, anywhere in good time. Fortunately, he also read the minimal grammar of horror movies, though, and then reveals itself only when we expect it. Mom, what a fright! The plot, on the other hand, refuses to unfold, remains forever stuck at the same, stale, period.

comes the final, and some pitiful attempt to mislead there has certainly prevented to maintain the firm conviction that behind the Mascherona (and asthma) Assassin lurks a certain person - you have put in about 9 seconds to figure it out, and you were wrong. By contrast, the inhabitants are all very hard on the uptake, and do not get it until you find a pickaxe planted in some more or less vital organ. Natural selection, come to think about. Someone saved by immoderate ass, or do not own merits. The climax was, surprise, in the mine (they had closed, the fools). They will go out a couple (canonical, man & woman, nothing innovative, no hope) of survivors moderately heroes. And, as is proper, the killer himself. Question: But in America really policemen, firemen, soldiers do not notice if one of them moves away from the scene of the tragedy with a mask that hides his face, swaying and dripping with blood? It will be special training ...

An aesthetic considerations, in closing: The next time you make a horror 3d, the canonical role of victim-women-naked, with two boobs to choose a more exuberant. Otherwise the three-dimensionality of effettone I remain mortified. Thanks.

INFORMATION

S. Valentino blood - 3d

In a sentence: "IlMaiNato was better" - which is saying something. Or: "Come on, it's him, clearly." Then, after an hour and a little more: "I told you it was him."
Sconsigliatissimo: who wanted to go see a movie with effects, not only Indeed, without film. And those who were uncomfortable with guts constantly on display (delicatini!).
Rating: KKKK (for me 'rubbish ste two are equal)

Anorexia Recovery Before And After

S. Valentino blood - 3d

Perhaps there will come a time in the future, when we look back and remember the advent of the third dimension to the movies. As happened to the sound and color. Of course, right now, we are in full swing "nickelodeon" shows put together by a penny just to surprise the audience, and even more as the famous train that pierced the screen a century ago.
It is inevitable that, having defined the genre in the meantime, the task is to tap into two types of film: horror movies and cartoons, has always voted with extremes of situations, even at the expense of directing, screenwriting, etc. ..
happens. And it happened, unfortunately, also in "My Bloody Valentine 3D", a new transaction-based marketing and glasses when I fell.
Yes, I know. Whenever there is a media phenomenon that breaks the box office syndrome ("The Blair Witch Project"), the film reveals, inevitably, a sloppy and disgraceful sideshow, good only for the trailer, and fears carnevalizio joke.
But anyhow: the horde of three-dimensional puppets arriving in theaters was evasive. So, to document the phenomenon, touching on the series zeta fold of flesh and bones.
Now, it sounds too offensive to you (and me) to stick with a review.
Why not film it, but of simple Funhouse amusement park in the province, with a lot of mining and rail scenario (although it must be said, the villain of the moment is a healthy, ambulatory, and that is a pleasure ).
Right from the opening theme, however, we learn that in the town of Harmony (I do not dwell on the sublime irony of the name) the miner Tom Hanniger for tragic distraction caused an accident in a tunnel of the mine. Die all but one of his co-workers, Harry Warden, who remained in a coma for a year, he wakes up and finds nothing better to do than cut into pieces the hospital staff (as we do not know, there are no clubs ferrate in patients' rooms) before cut and run.
The story (re) starts just a feast of St. Valentine, a group of guys, including himself Hanniger, decide - with admirable insight - the environment in the mine.
Obviously, tearing bodies Warden returns to the delight of the 3d, so as blatant as ridiculous. Indeed, at the end of the new massacre, is also gunshot holes in the agents rushed to the scene. But not killed, God forbid.
Hanniger, however, survived the massacre and, very slightly shaken by the events, he decided to leave. Harmony will return to only ten years later, to sell the lucky that mine was the father.
Welcomed to town with the same warmth, which reserves a witch during the Inquisition (the community takes place at very dell'eccidio), will face her husband, sheriff of his then-girlfriend and a sudden upsurge of crimes perpetrated in the manner preferred by the pickaxe killer (or massacres, dissections, massacres). It is still
Warden? The old country's vow to kill him, but in the pit for scavatagli the opportunity is not nothing left. Thus, hypotheses on the exciting start of the acts (in the city suspect, more than anything to dislike, be it Hanniger). From
deluded, confident of a final pseudo-logical. Instead, this is not enough, the enlightened writers (?) Use, once more, the doping character of the mad. That among other things, we are told, will escape another attempt to capture, dressed as a policeman and away unnoticed (despite the pace caracollante, typical of those who received a volley of machine-gun on him). A fortune.
In closing, a few notes: the film, actually, gutter juice from every pore. Yes often has the feeling, indeed, that the characters are made of polystyrene, given the ease with which the busts are cut, punctured skulls, dislocated jaws. As make-up, nothing to say. As aesthetics, is typical of the serial horrors, with a few forays into various sadistic and dive into the trash (memorable in this sense, the sequence of the hotel, which combines all the typical places like this: nudity on display, made fun of dwarfism, animals crumbled). For the three dimensions, the budget is thin: the objects that I have virtually got him, I dodged a gun, and looked wistfully an eyeball torn. The blows of a pickaxe, but I missed them all, but perhaps it is because sleepiness.

INFORMATION

S. Valentine of Blood - 3d

In a sentence: "I did not realize that was the mine's"
Sconsigliatissimo: to anyone who loves horror movies (it's unspeakably boring), the three dimensions (are wasted) and the feast of St. Valentino (put flowers in your picks).
Rating: KKKK

6 Week Oldbaby Schedule

The Unborn

After unspeakably long gestation, I am finally here (led by feelings of guilt, the insistence of Egon, fancazzismo endemic, incurable hatred towards the horror we propinano nowadays) to give birth review of yet another film of poor quality syrup to save us the torment you, loyal fans. Note: I spent the verve with shrewd humorous references to motherhood corsivettati in the first sentence - the heat, you know, makes me Financo less cheerful than usual. Therefore, from now on you have a cold record consists of the cinematic experience by seeing the horror cul (the "t" is not only unnecessary but misleading, see below) from the title, as you might guess, The Unborn.

Together, then, fellow - much more captivated me from the general - and particularly intoxicated by love for film only attraction at the sight of the promising poster (when camped and uninhibited babe sodissimi the buttocks of the protagonist, and only margin - right - appeared the pestiferous Jumby , what wants to be born, now etc etc) - ingrifato, in short, as is appropriate, and provided with plenty of confidence, I went in the room. Following an hour and a half in which the poor story unfolds on the screen without a jolt that one - hint to the producers of horror: when you want to jump on the chair NOT notify the public systematically with jingle and shot him to a standard that is the evil monster to do "bu." If not then people expect it. It 's the 21st century, we are all savvy, blablabla. The gist of the story (indeed, very little) can be summarized as follows:

• the usual handful of producers with no shred of quality meets in plenary session, and after - presumably - 120 hours of intense brainstorming, offers the fateful genius: let's make a horror. Wow. But beware!, There is the novelty. The topic: the unborn babies, children who do not want to give birth. In essence, the first horror abortion in living memory. Shiver, progressivism, Welcome to the age-Obama;

• the protagonist (babe appropriately waved to the audience) is young and naive, and you see the world plunged into a nightmare when several disturbing visions of the face while jogging: a particularly frightening Botolo fat-faced man and the son of the neighbors that the team horny;

• follows epiphany Maino's eponymous, unique taste that manifests in the appearance ("bu", systematic) preferably from the mirror in the bathroom when the girl is checking her scantily clad in the evening - bravo!, encore!;

• investigating the apparent calm of the family past, she suddenly remembers that his mother died in an asylum, ravaged by the madness, the grandmother he never knew who he was, there are several things that do not fit (a brother? I had a twin brother who was never born? Come on?), the father, on the other hand, if you give a damn high, and rightly so engrossed in his work (a bit 'of ethics, for God's sake!)

• is revealed that his grandmother is alive and well, even if vaguely troubled by events in the past: she had been in concentration camp (Ah, the other ingredient is new! Horror Holocaust-themed!), where dr. Mengele (voila, more original), experimenting with gay, had bonded twin brother (daje. ..), thus opening the door to a typical embodiment of a demon (so it seems) the imaginary Jewish - the dybbuk ;

• which dybbuk, obstinate to death, then pursued by the same family for generations, in search of another vehicle by which slip into the world of the living - you can apparently get hold of anyone who is within range, but only pro tempore , and would much rather have someone indefinitely (it has to be one of the twins, mah), and fatefully chooses our heroine (Bravo, again!) - a gift which would lead a temper, but also the deep blue eyes shining (the always valid Mengele had achieved the goal, finally, the influence of Arian jew)

• enters the great Gary Oldman in the role of a rabbi and progressive svogliatissimo, who at first refuses to help the girl with an exorcism Kabbalistic (here, here's the news!), but then - haunted by guilt and visions of her lower back - portrayed his position, recruit the necessary help of a friend of his color basketball coach (giuro!) and a dozen other extras unwise, and is preparing to remove for ever the devil;

• the thing, of course, costs a juicy toll and assorted aches, but fails. If only the young, in a finale that really can to not surprise as few times in history, discovers she is pregnant: guess what? Twins! We await developments. But no.

There could be more to say. You try to revive a dead person before birth (while we're on the subject) to misrepresent quotes from classics of the genre - but any attempt at serious landslide miserably in front of the scene where an old semi-paralyzed and stunned (close to my grandmother's secret room nursing home) is fun zompettare the corridors at night, loosely imitating the pace up the stairs he made famous The Exorcist . The moral that it takes, unequivocally, that is a bit 'of possession does wonders for rheumatoid arthritis - and for various forms of dementia. The rest of the cast is composed of people who clearly deserve to end up murdered (see canonical stupid friend of the protagonist, slain by the little guy next door, however, that clearly is evil inside of her, and possession in the end it's all an excuse) or fuck it beautifully. Oldman is exemplary in this respect - but, if anything, will not sell the usual "Have faith and you will save." What, then, is not true. Everybody knows that.

Moral: Jews, bad guys, abortions and peck their own demons. Maybe I I am wrong. Maybe it's not a horror so progressive.

PS: a prayer from the heart. Just mention Mengele in error. Now he starred in the most drama of Count Dracula and Frankenstein's monster put together. Would it be worth remembering that this is not a bad comic book - on a small effort.

INFORMATION

The Unborn

In a sentence: "IlMaiNato was better," referring to SanValentinoDiSangue3D - I do not know, indeed: here have high ambitions as well, which is unforgivable ...
Sconsigliatissimo: to anyone who is not afraid more for a "bu" announced. And not satisfied with a few shots of the backside of the protagonist. At least one, plenty!
Rating: kkkk